School was my haven. I was so happy and so social, though I realize now those go hand in hand. I could catch the next bus to downtown and meet friends at Mahtay until it was time for me to go home or to my next class. I’d always be busy with homework, projects, class, social life, family, and sleeping when there was time. The transition from university to living on my own was and is the hardest thing I continuously go through. I got married right out of university and moved out, adopted my dog, and started a new life. I tried to stay occupied but nothing stimulated me like school. Since being social was not routine, it became a chore. Work bored me. Planning a day, finding the time, and actually physically forcing myself to go out was hard. Even parking downtown or meeting someone gives me bizarre anxiety that I never had before.
I started hating the city, the economy, and the people around me for being mundane, difficult, and not understanding me. I started hating myself as this lazy, unmotivated, sad, ugly, introverted excuse of a human. I married someone who couldn’t relate to my introvert ways or my after school blues, and this did not help in terms of reaching out.
It has been so hard without the mental stress of school, the routine, and the socialization, that everything I do is 100x harder. Driving on a busy road, going through drive thru, meeting new people, interviews, getting groceries, line ups, and going to meet friends…. All of this is so hard that most times I just don’t do it. Most days I feel like an actual void. I have no clue how to cope. My social anxiety is through the roof, and my separation anxiety is so bad I fear doing anything alone. Now living with my partner, when they are not around, I completely shut down. I am overcome with unexplained grief. When my parents have my dog, I am glued to the couch in sadness and darkness. I sound dramatic and crazy, but this is an actual feeling that comes over me and I have no control over it. Since I have nothing else to occupy me, home life becomes routine, and without it in order, I feel as though I cannot function. It sounds confusing and silly and insignificant, but it is real and scary and inhibiting. I call it the “after school blues” but I know it is more complex than that. I want to figure out how to participate in life again. But how do I do that when most times I wake up a basket case? I am unwillingly distant from everything and everyone. I am sure some people just think I hate them or forgot about them. But the only thing I forgot was how to be happy. I did not choose this.